I'm not really a b*tch, I'm just hungry

Tomorrow I get to go to pureed foods and I'm hoping this will improve my mood, because I have been scarily grumpy ever since I got back from the hospital a week ago.  I've locked myself away from my family because I don't want to take it out on them.  I'm sure it's because I'm hungry.  And it's impossible to reach calorie goals existing on apple juice and broth so I'm sure a huge part of it is that.  Not to mention not being able to drive, go to the gym, bend over, and there was a huge snowstorm here a few days ago which makes it hard to walk outside.  So I've been really weak and tired.  I also have a lot of work to do for this week, and make-up from last week.  And the smallest things annoy me.

I have a doctor's appointment on Monday and hopefully I will be cleared to go to the gym and swim.  I'm still very angry with my surgeon's office.  There's no consistency and their disorganization scares me.  I was told to come in one week after surgery to get cleared to drive and go to the gym.  When I made the appointment, the very day they told me that, they couldn't see me for two weeks!  I got really mad and they squeezed me in for Monday, a little more than a week after the surgery.  It just gets frustrating dealing with a new person every single time.  I never saw my surgeon after the surgery, I saw other surgeons and various physician's assistants.  When I made my follow up appointment I found out the physician's assistant I like doesn't take appointments, so I'm seeing yet another new person.  It just gets frustrating.  Hopefully tomorrow when I can eat pureed beans and cottage cheese, something with a little substance,  I will feel much better about life.

home

Today was my first full day home.  I spent four days in the hospital.

I seem to have lost 8 pounds since the morning of the surgery.  Granted, I did have my period so some of that weight was imaginary, but I'll take what the scale says anyway.  Already my sciatica feels non-existent, and my back doesn't hurt.

Surgery itself went fine.  I have a single incision near my belly button.  There's lots of funny bruising and I'll post a picture of that below.  Surgery took 45 minutes and I spent two hours in the recovery room.

The narcotic pain meds made me too queasy, so I wouldn't take them.  My first experience with liquid pain meds was on an empty, newly sleeved stomach so of course they came right back up and I refused to take those again.  So, they had a problem managing my pain.  The second day was so miserable.  Finally someone put me on a Tylenol IV drip.  Most nurses were great about replacing it on time, but there was one I had to beg and bug and she was usually an hour and a half late with it.  I think if I'd had better pain management, everything would've been a lot better.

They were going to send me home with liquid Vicodin, but since I refused it in the hospital, they sent me home with nothing.  I was supposed to crush up Tylenol and put it in my liquids.  Tylenol didn't cut it at home and I spent a murderous evening plotting destruction before my mom came up with some expired Vicodin from her oral surgery.  I didn't even care it was expired.  I crushed it, put it in some pudding, and even though it was disgusting and counted as a meal, I took it.  I was able to sleep through the night.  HALLELUJAH!!  I just can't wait to be off the pain meds so I can eat food that isn't mixed with bitter medication. 

I have a lot more to post about my surgery, but Vicodin makes me sleepy and I need a nap. 

Here's what my belly looked like when I pulled off the bandage this morning.  I'm fascinated by the all the bruising that isn't even that near the incision. Those dark marks in the lower left hand corner are from giving myself the blood clotting injections.

tomorrow

Surgery is tomorrow at 8:45.  I have to be there at 6:15.

I spent the day dealing with the surgeon's office over my lost blood work.  They said it was canceled and not done.  The hospital and me were saying it was done.  We were there so we should know!  Turns out the lady at the surgeon center was looking at the wrong file.  NIIICE!!  I really hope I don't wake up from surgery with a bypass instead of a sleeve.  No apology or anything for all my stress and anxiety all weekend.  It was very frustrating, but at least it was distracting.  Now that everything is sorted out, I feel a sort of calm.

I took my citrus of magnesia, but nothing really happened.  Lots of stomach gurgling and some stomach cramps, but that's about it.  I was so proud of myself for taking that entire bottle.  I was so scared to swallow anything strange after last week's barium/crystal trauma, but I did it!

I'm just so ready to wake up tomorrow (pain and nausea free hopefully) and start working on the healing process and losing weight.  In a week I will be able to get back in the pool.  I'm just holding on to that.  I can't wait for all this anxiety to be over.  I can't wait to be able to say the hard part is over and I'm doing it.  I'm losing weight. 

3 more days

I feel much better mentally than I did yesterday.  My stomach is still a little angry, and my back muscles hurt so bad, I guess I used muscles throwing up that I haven't used in a while.  So much all that swimming does for me!

I talked to the lab at the hospital this morning and she said all my tests are there.  Everything they usually do for the sleeve was completed and she doesn't know what the surgeon's office was talking about.  She will call the surgeon's office on Monday.  She said there is no point in me fasting just in case for more blood work, because she doesn't know what more blood work they can do.

I came so close to telling my cousin about my surgery last night.  I haven't told her.  I've told very few people actually, because I just don't want to have to defend my decision, and I figure once they see what a success the surgery has been for me and my life, then I can tell them.  I need pure support right now.  I can't have anyone giving me their unresearched opinion on bariatric surgery at this time.  Then, I decided it was too much to put on her at this late date.  But then I realized, when my cousin finds out I did this and didn't tell her, she will probably be very angry.  We talk every single day and I've kept this from her. 

Whatever.  In the end, she wants me to be healthy and happy.  If she's mad, she will come around eventually.

I'm just nervous.  I don't ever want to be that sick again and now I'm scared about being that sick while hooked up to needles and in pain.  The nurse told me that there are a lot of muscles in the stomach and that's why there is pain. 

I really wish I'd thought to ask for some anxiety meds.

lots of pre-op freaked out venting contained in here

It's like all hell has broken loose.

The Friday before my surgery and three things happen:

1.  At my pre-op upper GI I had a really bad reaction to the crystals they gave me before my barium swallow in the morning.  I spent the whole day with my head in the toilet contemplating going to the ER.  Which is funny, because all this started ten feet from the ER.

2.  My surgeon's office proved themselves to be the...  factory?  auto shop? assembly line? I suspected they were, and were incredibly unhelpful, uncaring, and couldn't even return a phone call or give a message to my surgeon.  Not that I think he would care, but I feel like he should at least know that I had a reaction to something they were planning to give me after surgery as well.

3.  Fifteen minutes before they closed, the surgeon center informed me that the blood tests I had taken just that morning hadn't been completed correctly by the hospital.  I would need to call the hospital (although that department closed at 5:00 too) and set up the blood work myself for Monday.

The hospital didn't know what I was talking about.  They said my record showed everything was completed, and because I didn't know the name of the specific tests I was supposed to have done again, she couldn't help me.  Also, if I have blood tests again on Monday, that means a fast starting on Sunday, which bleeds into my fast for actual surgery.  That's a 36 hour fast before surgery.  Is that really okay? 

So much anxiety and worrying for the weekend.

Anyway, I had a meltdown.  At first I was going to cancel all together, mostly because I don't want to be sick again, but the message boards were really helpful and I still want the surgery.   Then I was angry.  Do I really want to give every penny I have to a surgeon center that doesn't care?

The angry part of me wants to cancel, get a good chunk of my money back, and go to Dr. Bobby in California.  I could stay with my aunt since I'm doing online classes next quarter also.  I met with him when I was looking into lap-band three years ago.  He was amazing, and his staff was amazing, and all his patients adored him, and he was very hands on.  I remembered today when I was at a loss as to who to speak to at my surgeon's office that Dr. Bobby gave his cell number to all his patients, and every patient was assigned a point person that worked with them for the entire process.  They also seemed to have amazing post-op follow up.  If this is the care I get pre-op, I'm scared to think what it will be once they have all my money.

five more days

Today was my final pre-op appointment with the surgeon.  I've been really busy with school, not thinking about surgery, not worried about it at all, and then he started going through how they put needles in my hand and sedatives for anesthesia and things down my throat, and I unexpectedly burst into tears.  I just felt so bad for abusing and hating my body so bad for all these years and now I'm voluntarily going to let someone cut into my perfectly unscarred belly and take half my stomach and stick something down my throat while I'm unconscious.  Ugh.  I'm so sorry, body.  I'm going to treat you like gold from now on.

Also.  I'm trying to be really positive about everything, but after rescheduling my appointment from 4 to 1, they had me sitting in the waiting room for an hour and fifteen minutes.  And the unprofessional receptionist was there, bad mothing a patient she had on the phone to one of the nurses.  And, I asked one of the nurses about feminine products during surgery, since I will very unfortunately be on the dot, and she was very unhelpful and embarrassed me by practically shouting tampon several times in a very small office with a waiting room full of people just a few feet away.  I guess I could've asked the doctor, but I didn't, and I still don't have the answer to my question.   That was just today.  Every time I deal with them there is something I find so blatantly unprofessional,  but whatever.  As long as I come out of this surgery alive, complication free, and minimally scarred, none of the rest should matter.

Tomorrow are my pre-op tests.  I'm pretty sure I start fasting at 8 tonight... but I can't find my notebook and I'm just praying that I'm right about it being a 12 hour fast and not 24 hours.  Here's hoping I don't puke up the barium for upper GI. 

In awesome news, I bought a full length mirror to track my progress!

this time next week

This time next week I will be sleeved! 

I've been throwing myself into school work to keep my mind off obsessing about food (this pre-op business is excruciating!), and I feel like I should be doing something to prepare for the hospital, but I don't know what.

The pre-op liquids were a little, tiny better today.  I wasn't hungry until after the gym and then I was shaking and weak.  I ate a light dinner.  I'm really nervous about this.  I got so much differing info about the pre-op liquid diet, so I went with what my surgeon said in the beginning and allow myself to have a light dinner.  Tilapia and salad.  It makes all the difference, because otherwise, I would seriously be camped out at Taco Bell right now.  For me, quitting food cold turkey for two weeks is freaking impossible.

I'm kind of envisioning them saying I can't have surgery because I did the pre-op liquids wrong.  Then I envision myself telling them to shove it, demanding all my money back, and driving straight to Gino's East for pizza. 

February 19, 2013

February 19th is the magic day!

I'm on my third day of liquid diet and my dad is cooking our Sunday breakfast downstairs and the bacon smell is making me want to weep with sadness for all that I have lost.  Yes, liquid pre-op is making me a little emotional and overdramatic.

So yes!  February 19th!  That is nine days away! Less than two weeks.  February is usually my least favorite month, but now I will always look at it as where one of the most important days in my life happened! 

But other than that, I can't really say I'm excited about surgery, or nervous.  I just want it to be over so I can get to working on losing while not being so freaking hungry.  I want to start seeing results and knowing this is possible.  I CAN lose weight.  Imagine my face when I saw I gained one whole pound after my first day of liquids.

dun dun dun

AAAHHHH!  There was a voicemail from the surgeon's office wanting to set up my surgery date!  I'm blogging instead of calling them back.

So much to think about.  I'm sure they aren't really going to plan their lives around me, but I think I want to do this after my TOM, or as I refer to it, the dot.  But that's like three weeks away. 

Then I wonder if I should wait until I'm on break from school, which isn't until March 21.  I'm having such a hard time in school right now.  I'm in court reporting school, which isn't like normal school.  I already went to college, a really good, famous, competitive east coast college and that was freaking CAKE compared to court reporting school.  I was kind of thinking in my head that even on the day of surgery I could get my four hours of practice in at the hospital, because I can't afford to take any days off.  But, that's probably not realistic.  But if my surgery is going to be at the end of the quarter, I might as well wait until the quarter is over, rather than just blow the whole quarter in the last weeks.

Ugh.  Priorities.  What is my priority?  This surgery, which I've planned my whole life around.  I switched to online classes because I knew I'd be getting surgery this winter.  Or, school.  I've been training to be a court reporter for the last three years and it's so hard, and I want to quit every day, but I love it also, and I don't want to do any backsliding.  And it's sad to think that four days to a week off for recovery could make me backslide and blow a whole quarter of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, but that's how it is for me.  On the other hand, repeating a quarter isn't the end of the world.  This is a marathon, not a race.  The longest, most grueling, exhausting marathon ever, but nothing worth it is ever easy.

Okay.  Enough drama.  I'm going to call the surgeon back now.  Going forward full speed ahead!  No more wasting time!  No looking back, or second guessing.

no more fun

I'm just sitting here waiting for my surgery date.  They were supposed to call yesterday... maybe they'll call today. 

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for a meds check.  Even though I've been kind of wary of him for over-medicating me for five years (and that 6 month period where I thought I was dying, but it was just because he had me taking meds that aren't supposed to be mixed together, ugh!), he was very helpful yesterday.

He was excited about my surgery, which is a difference from all of the other doctor's I've seen who tell me they can't believe I'm big enough to qualify.  He said it's good to get it to prevent more weight gain, and diabetes, and basically more of a preventive measure.  He also walked me through all the things I'm freaking out about, like the catheter in my hand, and the anasthesia.  We also talked a little about how the people in my life might pose some challenges to my success.

My dad always makes me dinner most nights of the week.  We sit down, and talk, and it's the only way I really get to spend undistracted time with him.  My sister, on the other hand, stopped eating the way we eat years ago.  She usually makes her own meals, is on her own schedule and doesn't sit down to dinner with my dad.  I think my dad and I are closer, and part of me thinks it's because we eat together and I eat what he puts in front of me.  I've been nervous about that.  How will things change when I can't eat what he makes anymore?  This past weekend, I only ate one serving, and even though I was full, my instinct was to get up and get more because my mom and dad were still eating.  Instead, I didn't.  And my dad was like, "There's more.  Is that all you're going to eat?" and I felt like his feelings were hurt. 

Then last night, I was just too freaking tired to do anything and my mom wanted to go out to dinner.  That's our thing.  She and I have eaten our way through every restaurant in this city.  And I'm really worried how things will change, because I really plan to not eat out even a quarter as much once I'm sleeved.  But last night, I just didn't want to go out.  I was tired, I didn't want to get dressed and put on my snow boots, and I wasn't hungry.  And even though my mom often eyes what I put in my mouth, she got mad!  First she said, "You're running out of time to eat out."  She tried bribing me with my favorite restaurant.  Then she flat out yelled, "You're no fun anymore!" 

That bothered me.  But it just reminds me that I'm going to need to be strong and really responsible for myself and what I NEED to do to be successful.