no more fun

I'm just sitting here waiting for my surgery date.  They were supposed to call yesterday... maybe they'll call today. 

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for a meds check.  Even though I've been kind of wary of him for over-medicating me for five years (and that 6 month period where I thought I was dying, but it was just because he had me taking meds that aren't supposed to be mixed together, ugh!), he was very helpful yesterday.

He was excited about my surgery, which is a difference from all of the other doctor's I've seen who tell me they can't believe I'm big enough to qualify.  He said it's good to get it to prevent more weight gain, and diabetes, and basically more of a preventive measure.  He also walked me through all the things I'm freaking out about, like the catheter in my hand, and the anasthesia.  We also talked a little about how the people in my life might pose some challenges to my success.

My dad always makes me dinner most nights of the week.  We sit down, and talk, and it's the only way I really get to spend undistracted time with him.  My sister, on the other hand, stopped eating the way we eat years ago.  She usually makes her own meals, is on her own schedule and doesn't sit down to dinner with my dad.  I think my dad and I are closer, and part of me thinks it's because we eat together and I eat what he puts in front of me.  I've been nervous about that.  How will things change when I can't eat what he makes anymore?  This past weekend, I only ate one serving, and even though I was full, my instinct was to get up and get more because my mom and dad were still eating.  Instead, I didn't.  And my dad was like, "There's more.  Is that all you're going to eat?" and I felt like his feelings were hurt. 

Then last night, I was just too freaking tired to do anything and my mom wanted to go out to dinner.  That's our thing.  She and I have eaten our way through every restaurant in this city.  And I'm really worried how things will change, because I really plan to not eat out even a quarter as much once I'm sleeved.  But last night, I just didn't want to go out.  I was tired, I didn't want to get dressed and put on my snow boots, and I wasn't hungry.  And even though my mom often eyes what I put in my mouth, she got mad!  First she said, "You're running out of time to eat out."  She tried bribing me with my favorite restaurant.  Then she flat out yelled, "You're no fun anymore!" 

That bothered me.  But it just reminds me that I'm going to need to be strong and really responsible for myself and what I NEED to do to be successful.